I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize