I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
