I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize