Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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