So drunk its hurt
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
