why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
