I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
is it fun? or sober?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
