I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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