If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
