So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
