I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
