I'm so fucking centered right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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