Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You dont lie about slip and slides
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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