A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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