If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
