he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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