my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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