Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
