she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
