I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize