Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
