somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think my fart just growled at me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
