It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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