Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
