Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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