Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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