It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
