Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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