420 ftw
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
