i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I will pee on everything he values.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
