you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
