And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
