if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
