I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
