I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
