Swine flu. Run for my life!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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