Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
