I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
