I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
