On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
