You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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