I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
