I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize