I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My ass is underappreciated
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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