big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
