some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
