my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
