Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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