Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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