tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
