the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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