U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
