Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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