She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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