Please, let me fuck your mom
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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