too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
