i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
