My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh god it's open bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
