Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize