Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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